DIVERSITY AND WHY IT MATTERS SO MUCH

On Facebook today, I saw a post describing how one high school in Canada holds a dance every year where the students invite old people from low-income housing to be their partners for the evening. It's a dinner dance, and the food is also catered by the students who take cooking as a subject. You can read all about it HERE

I was more impressed by this than I can say, and not just for the obvious reason. Yes, of course it is lovely to give poor old people a fun night out, it's kind, it's generous and all-around a marvellous good deed. But I'd like to talk about the benefits to the children themselves. The ones attending the dance with their ancient partners. Because whenever we perform an act of kindness, there is nearly always a reciprocal benefit.

The first thing that occurred to me was that many of them will probably get taught some of the older, more formal couple dance styles. That's a great thing; dancing used to be considered a necessary social skill, but nowadays, well I wish I had $10 for every young man I've seen sitting at his table all night at the dance parties I go to, just because he doesn't know how to do any of the dances and lacks the confidence to ask for help. And the corollary, the young women lacking partners because let's face it, there are never enough men at these things, and I'm sure it has been like that for hundreds of years. 

But then I thought, some of those kids will probably form an ongoing friendship with their partners. That's more of a benefit than it might seem at first. Why is it so, you ask. And I will tell you.

In all of the most toxic situations I've experienced in my long and occasionally useful life, the worst ones always seem to involve a relatively homogenous population. Consider the average nursing home - the entire population is usually very old, and they're not the place you'd want to be in, are they? I'd rather die, myself. Another one that springs to mind is typing pools. Where everyone is young, female and from the same socioeconomic background, toxicity flourishes like weeds in rich soil. The same thing happens in groups of soldiers and sailors. We've all read about the atrocities soldiers have committed. And I'm not going to point the finger at any country, because my own country has far from a clean record in this respect. With my own ears I have heard Australian soldiers happily boasting about murdering civilians, under the approving eye of their sergeant. And that is a culture that developed in our military back in the Vietnam days, where soldiers on active service were all male, almost all of Anglo-Celtic heritage, and nearly all of a similar age (because conscription harvested our boys at a particular age.) 

What's the probability of seeinig some toxic behaviour in a group like this? 99%? 100%?

On a less dreadful note, consider the average Protestant Christian church. You can look out over the pews and see what has been poetically described as 'a sea of silver'. I'm not saying that those churches are toxic; many are wonderful places. But those congregations that include some younger people, some children, some people from other lands, and so on, always have a more living, vibrant feel to them.

In anciant times, and we can still see this today in people who live a more traditional lifestyle, humans were mixed together in villages, in tribes, in extended family groupings. This charming video gives is a hint of the interconnectedness of neighbours in a Ugandan traditional village. This one makes the point even more strongly. In our own European culture, until the twentieth century got under way, with its so-called 'nuclear families', we saw much more of this interconnectedness, and we see the benefits of it even today in how successfully immigrant families establish themselves. Peoples such as our Italians, our Greeks and our Vietnamese help out their compatriots and relations, and they do better, I think, than we would do if we emigrated to their countries in similar circumstances. They have come from countries less tainted by American notions, and so their sense of family is a broader, deeper thing than it typically is to those of us with a more Anglo-Celtic heritage. You give your cousin a job, his children run errands for your sister, Nonna looks after the little ones and lives in her daughter's house. Hardly anyone gets forced into a 'home'. Everyone is useful, everyone is valued, and the interpersonal connections are as strong as steel cable. And that interconnectedness supports the diversity that sees their social gatherings populated by everyone fronm 96-year-old Nonna to the new baby, and these peoples flourish in new lands, quickly building up the cash reserves that enable the starting of businesses and general prosperity, because each new couple can fall back on the assistance of the wider family, both financial and social.

Italian immigrants quickly established themselves, and civilised us into the bargain.

My own belief is that these effects of diversity are far deeper and more wide-ranging than the current view of DEI, which tends to be seen merely as a push-back against bigotry. In reality, it is the foundation of finding our way to a better, kinder, more truly human society.

 

Surprised by Joy - the Happy Accident

This morning, while engaging in the time-honoured pre-work ritual of my people (browsing mindlessly on social media) I came across a video so beautiful, so perfect, that it has lifted my Saturday, already my absolute favourite day of the week, to the sublime height of perfection. I'll share the link HERE.

Just why these things make me so happy, I can't say. But they do, and this one is one of the best from this creator. I'd give him or her a plug if I knew who they were. But the reason I'm sharing it here (other than it's beautiful and everyone can use a smile in his day) is to illustrate the awesome power of the accident.

C.S. Lewis titled his book about becoming a Christian Surprised By Joy. No, I haven't read it - it's on my list. But I know it will be awesome, because all of his other non-fiction books are. Who hasn't enjoyed The Screwtape Letters, and the audiobook of it read by John Cleese? But the title highlights something that's really a feature of the world, and that is that so often, joy can catch us totally by surprise.

So much of my life has come about through accidents. I got my first Deerhound by accident. I looked at him, VERY much didn't want him, opened my mouth to say so, and out came 'Okay, I'll take him.' Still not sure what happened there, but I'm very grateful for it. I can't imagine what my life would have been without Fionn. You can read about it in my novel, Where The Heart Is. It's fiction, but the part where she gets the dog is taken directly from my life. You can get it HERE.

Anyway, bringing Fionn home caused a major lifestyle change for me, and in the process I more or less became rather a different person. And I wouldn't go back for the world. Not just for the joy that Fionn brought me, but the ones who came after him. Ogre. Beau. Emily. And now my little chaos beast, Chips.

My point is this: when so much of life's joy comes to us by accident, why is it that we try so hard to avoid them? I'm not talking about road accidents and the like, obviously, but those little joys that we never looked for. Like the time I went for a walk in a foreign country and got lost, and stumbled across an amazing park where the whole neighbourhood seemed to go to play at night. They had a beautiful fountain that danced in co-ordination with the music that was playing. I bought an ice-cream from a vending cart and watched all the children playing on their roller skates and so on, and the old people meeting their friends on park benches, and just the happy family ambiance of it all. It was balm to my soul. If I had planned my walk that night, set out with a map and a sensible destination and all, I'd never have spent that enchanted evening. 

There are small accidents, like coming across that video this morning, and then there are the great, big ones that change your whole life, like accidentally adopting Fionn. But every one of them brings, in its measure, a cargo of joy. So as we go about our life, it's good to be open to them. Time management is great, but don't have your whole life rigidly scheduled. And don't be always staring at your phone. When you're out having coffee, instead of texting or doomscrolling, watch the other people. Look up and out as you go about your day. It's truly amazing what you can find.

Random Acts of Kindness

On Monday, I posted about mood management. One of the things I mentioned for possible inclusion in a mood toolkit was acts of service. That got me thinking about the RAK movement.

I first came into contact with this at one of those little craft markets. Among all kind of bric-a-brac one vendor had a small wall plaque, with the words 'Practise Random Acts of Kindness and Senseless Beauty.' I found this so beautiful that I bought it and hung it in my kitchen. It had a dreamy quality that appealed to me.

Years later, I realise it's a real social movement. Lots of people do RAKs. Some people even make it their principal hobby. There are groups dedicated to it. I actually joined one on Facebook for a while, but left it because I was't comfortable posting about my own RAKs. It felt too much like bragging. I felt I wasn't contributing to the group at all, so I left again. But I still love the concept. I wish I did more of them myself. I'm sure I don't do enough.

Over the years, though, I've done a fair few. I'm still not comfortable talking about them, so I'm not going to do so here. What I would like to do, though, is to share a few of those of which I've been the recipient.

Some years ago, I was walking back from the supermarket with my dog when we were caught in heavy rain. I had no umbrella, and as I stood at the lights waiting to cross I was getting more and more drenched. A handsome man in a beautiful red sports car waved to me and called me over. Now I'll stress that I saw nothing wrong in this. When you are out and about with a Scottish Deerhound, you get used to this. So I didn't suspect him of anything sleazy; I assumed he just wanted to ask about my dog. We went over to speak to him. And he handed me an umbrella. How will I get it back to you, though, I said. He replied, that doesn't matter. Keep it. You need it. 

I had plenty of umbrellas of my own at home, and this was a beautiful one - the expensive kind with a beautiful turned wood handle and everything. I convinced him to take my address and said I would leave it out on the porch to dry and was going out again shortly, and when I got back from my second outing it was gone, so he must have come and collected it. 

This disinterested kindness just made my whole week, and I will never forgt that man.

Earlier this year, I was in church with my dog. It was high summer and it was super hot, even in the church. The few small fans we have were not doing much. During the sermon, the lady in the pew behind me tapped me on the shoulder and asked if my dog was allowed to have an Icy Pole. I said yes, not understanding the relevance of it, and she promptly walked out of the church and returned a few minutes later with a lemonade flavoured icy pole, which she held for Chips as he licked it. He enjoyed it very much. 

Another time, I was out having coffee with my dog. An elderly man came out of the nearby butcher and asked me if he could give my dog a bone. I was surprised, but of course I said yes. He produced a beautiful lamb shank, which he had apparently bought for the purpose. He gave my dog a hug, and said his own dog had died recently. I think about that man often, and the way he found solace for his grief in kindness.

It seems to be all about my dogs, I know. But I guess that's what people see when I'm out and about. People tend not to notice you so much when you are with your deerhound. But it's not all been dogs. Once, I went for a job interview and I had arrived at the building with half an hour to spare; I do this with interviews, both to avoid any possibility of a delay making me late, and to check out the environs. There was a cafe on the ground floor and I had a cappuccino, only to find to my horror when I was leaving that I didn't have my wallet. The waitress didn't miss a beat. When I told her, she just smiled and said she would pay for my coffee. I'll come straight back tomorrow and give you the money, I told her. Don't worry about it, she said. I'm happy to buy it for you. Hopefully it'll bring you luck for your interview. Of course I did go in and pay her, but she clearly hadn't expected it.

As I've mentioned, I'm not terribly comfortable recounting my own RAKs. I will say, though, that whenever I do one, it tends to make my day, every bit as much as when I am on the receiving end of one. That's why I mentioned it in the context I did on Monday. But the RAK has a wider use; tiny bit by tiny bit, it makes the world a kinder, more beautiful place. And who doesn't want that?

When Friendships are Over

 

The fourteenth of December, 2022. Early in the morning, I looked out of my office window and saw this rabbit, sitting up all neat. I took this photo.

I'm not all that fond of rabbits, myself; to me, they are food, but I had this friend. Wesley was extremely fond of rabbits; he felt about them the way I feel about dogs, and cats. He had some in his family that he loved very much, and so when this presented itself to me, I snapped the picture to send to him; I thought it would give him a kick to see this wild one, sitting up in Australia, on the other side of the world. 

I never sent him the picture, though, because when I logged onto Facebook, Wesley was quarrelling with me. I can't remember now what it was about; I don't think I even knew what it was about, back then. 

Anyway, it all ended badly. I didn't pursue Wesley trying to recover our friendship. It's never a good idea to do that. If a friend has decided you're no good, you are not going to change his mind, and trying to will only hurt you more and cost you self-respect. You can't argue someone into liking you. I think I asked a mutual friend if she knew what the trouble was, and she said she didn't. So I just let it go.

The fact a friendship has ended, though, doesn't negate its value. In some measure, you are who you are now because of that friend. The fact that Wesley propped me up through a late night mood crash, when all my world had turned to icy darkness that time, isn't changed by his subsequent rejection. It is, indeed, quite possible that I wouldn't be here now, without Wesley. I was pretty low that night. He gave me a lifeline, a little thread of text and light that got me through the dark hours. He was a dear, good man, well of course I expect he still is, and I'll always cherish him for that, although we are no longer friends.

What is my point, you ask? I'm sure you do. I would have by this point. Well, I think it is that you don't have to turn on people. You just don't need to. If someone who's been a good friend suddenly doesn't want you in his life, you do not have to revise your opinion of him, turning your affection into dislike, turning all his good points to failings in your mind. Your friend is still exactly the same person as he has always been. The only thing that's changed is that he just doesn't like you any more. And you can accept that, and go on with your life, without spoiling everything that went before.

If this makes you go 'well duh', then please excuse me. But I see so many people turning around and changing their liking of their ex friends to bitter hatred. I have even known people to take down, or change, their reviews, if the friend is an author. It happens more than you would think. And it's bullshit. Not even to mention the fact that basing a book review on anything other than the book is wrong and evil, the thing is that when you read that book, or opened that gift, or shared that special joke, that friendship was true and real, and it isn't any less so just because it has ended. So don't do this. Don't hurt yourself some more, just because someone else got a whack in. Life's too short. 

Mood Management - The Toolkit

Remembering past happiness is a mood lifter, but it can be a two-edged sword.

Today, I want to talk about mood management. This is my term for what we do when we consciously try to alter our emotional state. Generally, nearly always, it involves lifting our mood when we are depressed - although it can also be about calming anxiety. There are other applications - coming down from berserker mode after a fight, for example. But I would guess that at least 90% of mood management that people attempt is to relieve depression.

Now, when I say 'depression', I am not talking about Clinical Depression, a psychological disorder that is serious and can even be life-threatening. I am not a medical person. If you have been diagnosed with Clinical Depression, if you even suspect you may have it, get to a doctor or psychotherapist. Don't mess with this. It can ruin lives. 

What I'm talking about here is 'small d depression'. It's what we are generally talking about when we say we are depressed. Really I think it's a shame the psych people couldn't have come up with a new word for the clinical disorder. It might have avoided a lot of confusion. Perhaps not, though. There are plenty of parallels for this. We all know someone who never gets a cold - it's always 'flu. They never get a headache - it's always a migraine.

That aside, small d depression strikes us all sooner or later, and, like the common cold, it can be a real bitch. And unless you're Aunty M (we've all got one in the family right? That person whose hobby is suffering, who appears to live to collect pity? M for Martyr) - then you will want to get rid of it as quickly as poss, because let's face it, there's no point in suffering if you don't have to.

This is where Mood Management comes in.

So, as with any endeavour, there are two components to Mood Management. There are the tools, and the skills. The skills aren't anything special - they are basically the self-knowledge that enables you to recognise that you feel bad, and the determination that lets you decide not to put up with it if you needn't.

The tools, now that brings me to what I want to say today. This is something that almost never fails to help me lift my mood. What you do is you make a list of things that lift you up, that inject sunshine into your day, that make you smile. You might sit down and write it from scratch, or add things ad hoc when you notice their effect. For me, it's a combination.

Some things on my list are easy. No scratch that, they're all easy, although they aren't always all available. For example, huffing a cat. Now my old cat Ferret died last year, and I haven't been able to get another because I am keeping that spot open for the feral cat I have been befriending. She is not yet at the stage where huffing can be a thing - she'd take my face off if I tried. She already sent me to the hospital once. The nerve damage will heal completely, I'm told. One day. So, no huffing for me just now. 

Getting outside is one of my main ones. Just outside, under the sky. It doesn't have to be sunny, or fine, or even daylight. It is the sky that does it for me. I feel instantly a little better. 

That may not work for everyone, I don't know, but exercise, I am very sure, will. A walk is always a good idea. You use your large muscles, driving oxygen to your brain, and if you take a dog with you, you are at the same time making someone happy, and that brings me to my next point.

Acts of service, however small, if they bring some joy or comfort to anyone, will generally do so to us as well. I'm not sure of the mechanism of it - perhaps it releases some chemical in the brain, perhaps it's God's reward for kindness, who knows? I'm neither a doctor nor a priest. I just know it works. 

Then there can be technological tools as well. There's a Youtube video that a friend sent me one night when I was plumbing the darkest depths. It's a silly little cartoon, but for some reason it makes me feel happy. I watched it for hours that night, and it has never lost its effect. You can watch it HERE. Thank you, Neil. You were a good man and I'll never forget you. More recently, I've discovered a mob that makes AI cat videos that also have this effect for me. Check out Purrallel Universe. 

There are certain pieces of music that do it for me too, and I have a playlist of those. Anyway, I'm sure you get the idea. The list is going to be different for everyone, of course. The adventure is to create your own. 

Inspiration Files 001 - Not the Worst Cleaner

 Today I'd like to share something that I find very inspirational. In the interstices of my day, I often like to procrastinate by looking at reels on facebook, or shorts on youtube. And recently I stumbled across a series that just stopped me in my tracks.

We've read about crisis cleaners, probably everyone has seen an episode of Hoarders and so on. But this woman does FREE cleans for houses that... well, can't be described. Most of the ones I have seen started out actually looking like a garbage tip. Or even worse. And this woman goes in there and fixes it up into a beautiful, clean state - for NOTHING. She even replaces things like mattresses, in some of the ones I've seen she provided a whole lot of electrical appliances. And it is all done free. And when she has finished and it is all sparkling and pristine, she doesn't stop there. She adds little gifts. Nice things for the bathroom, scented soaps and so on. A pretty rug for the kitchen. Little homely touches to make the client feel cherished.

I don't know how or why this woman got started on this but I have to say I find her absolutely inspirational. I've struggled with clutter in my own house for a long, long time. And today, I am saying, Enough. Enough rooms that just never look tidy, no matter what I do, because there is just no room to put everything away. Enough wasting of things I never use or even look at, when someone else could be enjoying them. Enough energy drained by the presence of clutter. Yes, it does drain your energy. And your health. It's so easy to keep a really uncluttered house dust-free. And I've let the sheer magnitude of the clutter overwhelm me for far too long. But if this woman can clean up something like this, I can do it. 

Here is the video that inspired me today. It's amazing and beautiful. Just the fact that a person wants to spend her life doing this for others is one of the most beautiful things I've seen this year.

Making it Easy

I'll never forget as a youngish adult realising that if you cut up a potato into little cubes, it only takes 10 minutes to boil it for mashed potatoes. When I was a girl, my mother used to peel these gigantic potatoes and stick them whole in a pot of water and boil them for FORTY MINUTES in order to mash them. We were very poor back then and she was always complaining about the electricity bill. We were so stingy about electricity that the only heating we had in our entire house was a single little one-bar radiator. And yet, such waste in the kitchen. Almost every night. And realising that if you increased the surface area you'd increase the cooking effect brought it down to ten minutes. 

That, I suppose, was a primitive life hack. And I've always loved that kind of thing. Having a Better Way. 

Now, of course, we see life hacks everywhere, and yet I am still being surprised by some of them. Today, I'd like to share a few.

Halving Cherry Tomatoes

We've all had to do this, for a salad, or for some fish we're cooking or whatever. It's time-consuming and irritating. But THIS MAN has a Better Way. I'm just in love with this!

Using a Recipe Book

We all have that one favourite recipe book that's all manky, covered in gross food stains that have happened while we cooked from it. Now, you can keep your recipe book nice forever! Just do this:

Making Space in a Tiny Room

When I moved into a share house, my bedroom was tiny. But I have low social needs, and I need my time by myself. So in any kind of shared living arrangement, my bedroom basically has to be a bedsitter, plus as a writer I need to have my desk. In this room, really all of the space was taken up by a pair of bunk beds and my desk, leaving no place to relax and read. My solution? I got my housemate to remove the BOTTOM bunk, and that left enough room underneath it for a little cave which I furnished with big floor cushions. I enclosed half of the length with my bookcase, giving myself a tiny reading den, a larger workspace, and a platform bed with a cute little ladder. Perfect! The picture below is a much flasher arrangement, but done for the same reasons. Doesn't it look great!

That's all for today, but there are loads more out there. I'd love to hear from readers with their own favourites.

Don't forget today is RooRoo Day. We do an act of kindness for an animal. Do it.