Death Cleaning

Emptying one drawer gives us a small, manageable amount.

Swedish Death Cleaning has been in the social media a lot lately. Despite its gruesome name, it is a positive concept. Any adult in my generation has probably faced the depressing task of cleaning out a house where the resident kept everything for decades. It's horrible and sometimes even tragic. In the cases where the person clearly couldn't cope and had just given up, it's heartbreaking. I faced this myself and I'll never forget the air of darkness in that house. The sorrow clung to every surface, it was in the very air one breathed, along with the black mould. 

It terrifies me to think that I could die and inflict this on my son. I discovered Flylady myself while he was still a boy, so he's grown up with the concept of fighting clutter, and he lives in a really rational way. It would be just awful to think I'd stick him with what I had to go through. So I've been toying with the Big Declutter for many years. Flylady, Marie Kondo, Swedish Death Cleaning and so many others. I've read the books, I've tried the methods, and although I've achieved quite a lot, I still have far too much STUFF and I still feel burdened by it. Not in a life-ruined, sad-every-day kind of way, but I recently spent ten days on holiday in Brisbane, and I had a little apartment there, and the clean, spare, whiteness of it was just balm to my soul. I spent quite a lot of time in that apartment, as walking was very painful due to an injury from which I was recovering, and every moment was joyful. The emptiness of it. Not once did I miss anything except my dog and my husband.

Be that as it may, the full-on, blitzkreig approach, where you eliminate everything not absolutely essential one category at a time, as in the Kondo method, isn't for me. It's just too full-on. I resent it, if that makes sense. Of all the methods I've read about, the Flylady one comes closest to the ideal. Even there, though, I fail to adopt her system whole-heartedly. All those routines and checklists always end up pissing me off and I get overwhelmed, and it's almost a kind of mental clutter, and if there's one thing this little black duck can't cope with, it's being overwhelmed and feeling out of control. So I didn't succeed with Flylady either.

Nevertheless, Flylady's basic principles do work for me. Hey, it got me through Law School! I was failing Criminal Law when Robert Cilley gave me the study technique, and that got me through the whole degree with credits and distinctions. I even made the Dean's List once! So the principles are really good, but the way they are implemented in the standard Flylady method, although it's a great method, just isn't for me.

The central concept is for me though, and that is the notion that decluttering is a lifestyle choice rather than a one-off activity. So I have the idea that I'll go back to my old ways with the housework, but build the decluttering into everything I do. It will be easy enough to tell if it's working or not, because if and only if it is working, boxes of stuff will be going out to the Op Shop. Or big items being given to people in the community or whatever. Actually I love doing that; I've given away many super things directly to the recipients I've found in our local community's facebook group, and it always makes me feel so RICH. I even ticked a bucket list item doing this, giving an old caravan to a homeless family. They are still living in it and I get such a warm feeling every time I think of that.

So, my idea is that as I go about my regular housework, I'll be always looking for things that can go out. Watch this space for how well it works!

Fun for Everyone - a Survey of the Best Short Videos

My last post was much too downbeat so I thought today I'd concentrate on sharing a little joy. So these are my favourite short video producers. I've not attempted to sort them into any particular order, but they are all well worth trying. 

Purrallel Universe

I have to admit, this one is my number one top favourite. They're AI videos of kittens, but they are made with such loving attention to detail, and the fictional world they show us, although it closely mirrors our own world, is so bright and clean and utterly wholesome. I find such emotional comfort in them, and they're one of my mood resources when I'm feeling down. This is the only channel that has the power to make me drop whatever I'm doing when I get a notification that a new one has dropped.

Lyanna Kea

This series is a bit racist, and I'm not entirely comfortble with that, but it's really only her use of the word 'Asian' that gives me a problem, and I realise not everyone shares my view that 'Asian' is a racist word and a racist concept. Some people are just wrong, okay? But that said, the videos are entirely harmless, and utterly hilarious. I always admire a person who can play all the roles in a multi-character skit, and Kea's work never fails to give me a great big laugh.

Jonny Devaney

This talented Canadian chap makes videos about dogs. Most of them are hugely funny dialogues between God, Gabriel and occasionally Satan, during the creation of various dog breeds. For anyone in the dog world, they're practically required viewing.

Silvia

This woman is absolutely hilarious. Her videos have a dark edge, but it's never seriously dark, just in bad taste, kind of thing. Her pastiches of Harry Potter are a real treat, as are the various hypothetical scenarios she portrays. 

The Juice Media

Honest Government Ads - searing political commentary delivered as satire, but so near the bone that it's basically bare facts without the dressing of polite language. A must watch for anyone who cares about our country.

Oisin Mulligan

This Irish man is a fat loss and fitness coach, but he does it all with kindness and a complete absence of bullshit. His wholehearted authenticity and delightfully pungent language quickly made him a favourite with me. His weight loss method really works, too.

Chris Kohler

This guy is some kind of financial whiz in real life, but the videos are beautifully sharp little scenarios that explain fundamental truths about our economy in a completely painless way. And lest you think the subject matter is dry and fit only for nerds, I can tell you his videos are among the funniest of all the ones I watch. I never fail to laugh out loud.

That Good News Girl

Not really a girl, this woman presents a daily short video, always with some beautifuly heartwarming content. New ones go up every day,  mostly about animals. If you are struggling with Weltschmerz, this is the place to go.

The Spicy Nonna

If it is possible to love a person one has never actually met, then I love this elderly Italian man (Nonno) and his feisty wife (Nonna). 

The subject matter is usually fixing something that's broken or cooking something, but it's just so full of down-home Italian goodness that it makes me feel homesick. 

Cat Face

The best web cartoon I have ever seen. Cat Face is... well, I don't think I can even describe him. You have to watch it to understand. Why it has not become a huge cult I cannot understand.

Rami Nader

This Canadian man is a clinical psychologist practising in Canada. There are various series of videos; I watched the series dealing with depression and it would hardly be too great an exaggeration to say they saved my life. The other big series is about anxiety disorders. A wonderful resource for anyone who's struggling.

Aketch Joy Winnie

These videos are about life in a traditional village in Uganda. They're absolutely fascinating and presented with such flair and gentle humour.

So there you have it - my hotlist. Doom scrolling unnecessary - you can use the links to go straight to the one you want.

OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE, PART II

 I'm in a sour, snarky mood today, for reasons that have nothing to do with this blog, but I feel like ranting so that's what I am going to do. 

And what better to rant about than the floodtide of offensive language sweeping our society? Well yes, of course there are better things. Genocide. Fascism. The Gap. All terrible things, and I just don't feel equal to going there. 

So I'm going with the language, and following on from my post of 7 May, here are some more of the vilest excrescences infesting our speech these days.

Go potty

One hears this all the time from American women. At least, I hope it is only Americans. I pray that it is, although I have rather a sinking feeling given how the bogans love to ape the Americans. I have no words for how much I loathe this vile baby-talk, which is now being applied even to dogs.

Shit. A perfectly good Anglo-Saxon word. Use it.

 

Doggy

And speaking of dogs, when did we start calling everything relating to them 'doggy'? Not reasonably, as one might say 'his car has a doggy odour', but as a descriptor - 'doggy daycare', for example. And it is creeping outwards. One day in a cafe a woman referred to my dog as a 'doggy'. It was all I could do not to disgorge my latte, and the expression on poor Emily's face cannot be described. 

Have some respect!

Lay down

Please, please, people, stop doing this. I feel like shooting myself just looking at it. There is absolutely no reason ever to say this, unless you are Melanie Safka recording a hit single. 

Crispy

This one has been around for a long, long time, but still manages to set my teeth on edge. 'Crisp' is already an adjective. Enough said. 

Well that's all we have time for today, and honestly it's all my sanity can stand, and I hope my next post will be about something more inspiring than the mouthings of the semi-literate.

DIVERSITY AND WHY IT MATTERS SO MUCH

On Facebook today, I saw a post describing how one high school in Canada holds a dance every year where the students invite old people from low-income housing to be their partners for the evening. It's a dinner dance, and the food is also catered by the students who take cooking as a subject. You can read all about it HERE

I was more impressed by this than I can say, and not just for the obvious reason. Yes, of course it is lovely to give poor old people a fun night out, it's kind, it's generous and all-around a marvellous good deed. But I'd like to talk about the benefits to the children themselves. The ones attending the dance with their ancient partners. Because whenever we perform an act of kindness, there is nearly always a reciprocal benefit.

The first thing that occurred to me was that many of them will probably get taught some of the older, more formal couple dance styles. That's a great thing; dancing used to be considered a necessary social skill, but nowadays, well I wish I had $10 for every young man I've seen sitting at his table all night at the dance parties I go to, just because he doesn't know how to do any of the dances and lacks the confidence to ask for help. And the corollary, the young women lacking partners because let's face it, there are never enough men at these things, and I'm sure it has been like that for hundreds of years. 

But then I thought, some of those kids will probably form an ongoing friendship with their partners. That's more of a benefit than it might seem at first. Why is it so, you ask. And I will tell you.

In all of the most toxic situations I've experienced in my long and occasionally useful life, the worst ones always seem to involve a relatively homogenous population. Consider the average nursing home - the entire population is usually very old, and they're not the place you'd want to be in, are they? I'd rather die, myself. Another one that springs to mind is typing pools. Where everyone is young, female and from the same socioeconomic background, toxicity flourishes like weeds in rich soil. The same thing happens in groups of soldiers and sailors. We've all read about the atrocities soldiers have committed. And I'm not going to point the finger at any country, because my own country has far from a clean record in this respect. With my own ears I have heard Australian soldiers happily boasting about murdering civilians, under the approving eye of their sergeant. And that is a culture that developed in our military back in the Vietnam days, where soldiers on active service were all male, almost all of Anglo-Celtic heritage, and nearly all of a similar age (because conscription harvested our boys at a particular age.) 

What's the probability of seeinig some toxic behaviour in a group like this? 99%? 100%?

On a less dreadful note, consider the average Protestant Christian church. You can look out over the pews and see what has been poetically described as 'a sea of silver'. I'm not saying that those churches are toxic; many are wonderful places. But those congregations that include some younger people, some children, some people from other lands, and so on, always have a more living, vibrant feel to them.

In anciant times, and we can still see this today in people who live a more traditional lifestyle, humans were mixed together in villages, in tribes, in extended family groupings. This charming video gives is a hint of the interconnectedness of neighbours in a Ugandan traditional village. This one makes the point even more strongly. In our own European culture, until the twentieth century got under way, with its so-called 'nuclear families', we saw much more of this interconnectedness, and we see the benefits of it even today in how successfully immigrant families establish themselves. Peoples such as our Italians, our Greeks and our Vietnamese help out their compatriots and relations, and they do better, I think, than we would do if we emigrated to their countries in similar circumstances. They have come from countries less tainted by American notions, and so their sense of family is a broader, deeper thing than it typically is to those of us with a more Anglo-Celtic heritage. You give your cousin a job, his children run errands for your sister, Nonna looks after the little ones and lives in her daughter's house. Hardly anyone gets forced into a 'home'. Everyone is useful, everyone is valued, and the interpersonal connections are as strong as steel cable. And that interconnectedness supports the diversity that sees their social gatherings populated by everyone fronm 96-year-old Nonna to the new baby, and these peoples flourish in new lands, quickly building up the cash reserves that enable the starting of businesses and general prosperity, because each new couple can fall back on the assistance of the wider family, both financial and social.

Italian immigrants quickly established themselves, and civilised us into the bargain.

My own belief is that these effects of diversity are far deeper and more wide-ranging than the current view of DEI, which tends to be seen merely as a push-back against bigotry. In reality, it is the foundation of finding our way to a better, kinder, more truly human society.

 

Surprised by Joy - the Happy Accident

This morning, while engaging in the time-honoured pre-work ritual of my people (browsing mindlessly on social media) I came across a video so beautiful, so perfect, that it has lifted my Saturday, already my absolute favourite day of the week, to the sublime height of perfection. I'll share the link HERE.

Just why these things make me so happy, I can't say. But they do, and this one is one of the best from this creator. I'd give him or her a plug if I knew who they were. But the reason I'm sharing it here (other than it's beautiful and everyone can use a smile in his day) is to illustrate the awesome power of the accident.

C.S. Lewis titled his book about becoming a Christian Surprised By Joy. No, I haven't read it - it's on my list. But I know it will be awesome, because all of his other non-fiction books are. Who hasn't enjoyed The Screwtape Letters, and the audiobook of it read by John Cleese? But the title highlights something that's really a feature of the world, and that is that so often, joy can catch us totally by surprise.

So much of my life has come about through accidents. I got my first Deerhound by accident. I looked at him, VERY much didn't want him, opened my mouth to say so, and out came 'Okay, I'll take him.' Still not sure what happened there, but I'm very grateful for it. I can't imagine what my life would have been without Fionn. You can read about it in my novel, Where The Heart Is. It's fiction, but the part where she gets the dog is taken directly from my life. You can get it HERE.

Anyway, bringing Fionn home caused a major lifestyle change for me, and in the process I more or less became rather a different person. And I wouldn't go back for the world. Not just for the joy that Fionn brought me, but the ones who came after him. Ogre. Beau. Emily. And now my little chaos beast, Chips.

My point is this: when so much of life's joy comes to us by accident, why is it that we try so hard to avoid them? I'm not talking about road accidents and the like, obviously, but those little joys that we never looked for. Like the time I went for a walk in a foreign country and got lost, and stumbled across an amazing park where the whole neighbourhood seemed to go to play at night. They had a beautiful fountain that danced in co-ordination with the music that was playing. I bought an ice-cream from a vending cart and watched all the children playing on their roller skates and so on, and the old people meeting their friends on park benches, and just the happy family ambiance of it all. It was balm to my soul. If I had planned my walk that night, set out with a map and a sensible destination and all, I'd never have spent that enchanted evening. 

There are small accidents, like coming across that video this morning, and then there are the great, big ones that change your whole life, like accidentally adopting Fionn. But every one of them brings, in its measure, a cargo of joy. So as we go about our life, it's good to be open to them. Time management is great, but don't have your whole life rigidly scheduled. And don't be always staring at your phone. When you're out having coffee, instead of texting or doomscrolling, watch the other people. Look up and out as you go about your day. It's truly amazing what you can find.

Random Acts of Kindness

On Monday, I posted about mood management. One of the things I mentioned for possible inclusion in a mood toolkit was acts of service. That got me thinking about the RAK movement.

I first came into contact with this at one of those little craft markets. Among all kind of bric-a-brac one vendor had a small wall plaque, with the words 'Practise Random Acts of Kindness and Senseless Beauty.' I found this so beautiful that I bought it and hung it in my kitchen. It had a dreamy quality that appealed to me.

Years later, I realise it's a real social movement. Lots of people do RAKs. Some people even make it their principal hobby. There are groups dedicated to it. I actually joined one on Facebook for a while, but left it because I was't comfortable posting about my own RAKs. It felt too much like bragging. I felt I wasn't contributing to the group at all, so I left again. But I still love the concept. I wish I did more of them myself. I'm sure I don't do enough.

Over the years, though, I've done a fair few. I'm still not comfortable talking about them, so I'm not going to do so here. What I would like to do, though, is to share a few of those of which I've been the recipient.

Some years ago, I was walking back from the supermarket with my dog when we were caught in heavy rain. I had no umbrella, and as I stood at the lights waiting to cross I was getting more and more drenched. A handsome man in a beautiful red sports car waved to me and called me over. Now I'll stress that I saw nothing wrong in this. When you are out and about with a Scottish Deerhound, you get used to this. So I didn't suspect him of anything sleazy; I assumed he just wanted to ask about my dog. We went over to speak to him. And he handed me an umbrella. How will I get it back to you, though, I said. He replied, that doesn't matter. Keep it. You need it. 

I had plenty of umbrellas of my own at home, and this was a beautiful one - the expensive kind with a beautiful turned wood handle and everything. I convinced him to take my address and said I would leave it out on the porch to dry and was going out again shortly, and when I got back from my second outing it was gone, so he must have come and collected it. 

This disinterested kindness just made my whole week, and I will never forgt that man.

Earlier this year, I was in church with my dog. It was high summer and it was super hot, even in the church. The few small fans we have were not doing much. During the sermon, the lady in the pew behind me tapped me on the shoulder and asked if my dog was allowed to have an Icy Pole. I said yes, not understanding the relevance of it, and she promptly walked out of the church and returned a few minutes later with a lemonade flavoured icy pole, which she held for Chips as he licked it. He enjoyed it very much. 

Another time, I was out having coffee with my dog. An elderly man came out of the nearby butcher and asked me if he could give my dog a bone. I was surprised, but of course I said yes. He produced a beautiful lamb shank, which he had apparently bought for the purpose. He gave my dog a hug, and said his own dog had died recently. I think about that man often, and the way he found solace for his grief in kindness.

It seems to be all about my dogs, I know. But I guess that's what people see when I'm out and about. People tend not to notice you so much when you are with your deerhound. But it's not all been dogs. Once, I went for a job interview and I had arrived at the building with half an hour to spare; I do this with interviews, both to avoid any possibility of a delay making me late, and to check out the environs. There was a cafe on the ground floor and I had a cappuccino, only to find to my horror when I was leaving that I didn't have my wallet. The waitress didn't miss a beat. When I told her, she just smiled and said she would pay for my coffee. I'll come straight back tomorrow and give you the money, I told her. Don't worry about it, she said. I'm happy to buy it for you. Hopefully it'll bring you luck for your interview. Of course I did go in and pay her, but she clearly hadn't expected it.

As I've mentioned, I'm not terribly comfortable recounting my own RAKs. I will say, though, that whenever I do one, it tends to make my day, every bit as much as when I am on the receiving end of one. That's why I mentioned it in the context I did on Monday. But the RAK has a wider use; tiny bit by tiny bit, it makes the world a kinder, more beautiful place. And who doesn't want that?

When Friendships are Over

 

The fourteenth of December, 2022. Early in the morning, I looked out of my office window and saw this rabbit, sitting up all neat. I took this photo.

I'm not all that fond of rabbits, myself; to me, they are food, but I had this friend. Wesley was extremely fond of rabbits; he felt about them the way I feel about dogs, and cats. He had some in his family that he loved very much, and so when this presented itself to me, I snapped the picture to send to him; I thought it would give him a kick to see this wild one, sitting up in Australia, on the other side of the world. 

I never sent him the picture, though, because when I logged onto Facebook, Wesley was quarrelling with me. I can't remember now what it was about; I don't think I even knew what it was about, back then. 

Anyway, it all ended badly. I didn't pursue Wesley trying to recover our friendship. It's never a good idea to do that. If a friend has decided you're no good, you are not going to change his mind, and trying to will only hurt you more and cost you self-respect. You can't argue someone into liking you. I think I asked a mutual friend if she knew what the trouble was, and she said she didn't. So I just let it go.

The fact a friendship has ended, though, doesn't negate its value. In some measure, you are who you are now because of that friend. The fact that Wesley propped me up through a late night mood crash, when all my world had turned to icy darkness that time, isn't changed by his subsequent rejection. It is, indeed, quite possible that I wouldn't be here now, without Wesley. I was pretty low that night. He gave me a lifeline, a little thread of text and light that got me through the dark hours. He was a dear, good man, well of course I expect he still is, and I'll always cherish him for that, although we are no longer friends.

What is my point, you ask? I'm sure you do. I would have by this point. Well, I think it is that you don't have to turn on people. You just don't need to. If someone who's been a good friend suddenly doesn't want you in his life, you do not have to revise your opinion of him, turning your affection into dislike, turning all his good points to failings in your mind. Your friend is still exactly the same person as he has always been. The only thing that's changed is that he just doesn't like you any more. And you can accept that, and go on with your life, without spoiling everything that went before.

If this makes you go 'well duh', then please excuse me. But I see so many people turning around and changing their liking of their ex friends to bitter hatred. I have even known people to take down, or change, their reviews, if the friend is an author. It happens more than you would think. And it's bullshit. Not even to mention the fact that basing a book review on anything other than the book is wrong and evil, the thing is that when you read that book, or opened that gift, or shared that special joke, that friendship was true and real, and it isn't any less so just because it has ended. So don't do this. Don't hurt yourself some more, just because someone else got a whack in. Life's too short.