Now I Have Seen Everything!

I opened the little gold box with some anticipation. It had been a gift from my niece, part of a gift basket, and I'd been saving it for some special happy occasion. Tonight, on the eve of my birthday, seemed like the right time.

The soap didn't look like anything special - in fact it looked exactly like the udder soap my school friend used to have on her dairy farm. That udder soap, though, I remembered, was great stuff. We used it to make our hair shiny.

I smelled it, wondering if it would go with either or both of my current perfumes. There's nothing worse than a nasty clash between your soap and your cologne. It didn't smell like anything particular either. That surprised me; with a pretentious name like Solid Gold, I expected it to be scented at least. I looked at the box. Solid Gold bath soap, weight when packed, 100g. OK. I turned the box over. It was a product of a company called Universal Brands Pty Ltd - an oxymoron if ever I'd heard one. I was looking to see what it was supposed to smell like, if anything. Then I read the following:

Directions: Work soap into a lather, smooth on body with moistened hands or wash cloth, then rinse.

Is this what we have come to? Where people need directions on how to use a bar of soap? This scares me worse than the terrifying list of chemical ingredients.

FACING THE DAY 101 - For when you just can’t.

STEP 1.

OK. You're majorly depressed. You cannot face the day or your life. You have been staring at the ceiling for 2 hours without mustering the ability to leave your bed unless bladder pressure got you to the bathroom.

I want you to do one thing. Just one. Get up and make your bed.

Do not take this as a sign to yourself that you have to stay up. Once your bed is made, you can get right back in and stay there all day if you still want to. I will not say anything.

Making your bed is a little gift to yourself. You are making that bed a haven, pleasant and comfortable to get into whenever you do decide to. Whether it is in 5 minutes or 16 hours. Remember - it is your bed and you can get in it any time you want.

Smooth out the bottom sheet and arrange the pillows nicely. Tuck in the blankets if you have them, or just lay out the doona. Whatever it takes. If you are really at rock bottom and there are no sheets on the bed, go and get some and put them on.

There, you have done it. Take a moment to admire your work. DO NOT look around at your messy room. We are focussing on the bed here. It is really nice and it is all for you because you deserve it.

Right, now you can get back in bed if you still want to. But perhaps you feel you might be able to manage a small step forward? If so, read on.

STEP 2

We are heading for the bathroom. Brush your teeth and get under the shower. This is not the time to save water. Be generous with the hot water and let it relieve your kinked shoulders and aching back. Wash your hair if it needs it. It probably does. When you get out, don't just dry off and leave it there. Get yourself up as if you were going out or to work. Use your gel, mousse, blow dryer, whatever you use to make yourself look nice. Put on makeup if you wear it. Use your moisturiser. Shave if you're a guy. Spray on scent if you have it.

Don't you feel better?

Don't stop here, go back to your room and get dressed. Really dressed, in clean stuff from your closet, not trackies from the floor or under your bed. Jeans and a t-shirt is fine, but they should be clean ones, and you must wear your shoes. Don't be afraid to wear your shoes, you can take them off just as easily as you put them on. Get out a clean handkerchief if you use them.

Now take a look at yourself in a mirror. A full-length one if you have one.

Smile. Come on you can paste one on your face. Notice how nice you look. Remember you are not looking and comparing yourself to someone you saw in some dodgy fashion magazine. You are comparing yourself to what you saw when you first walked in the bathroom (if you even let yourself look :)) Don't worry about what anyone else thinks of your looks. How dare they even have an opinion?

You will notice two things. One is that you are way, way better looking than you thought you were. The second thing is that you are a lot more capable than you thought half an hour ago.

There; you have done really well. Now, if you still want to, you can go back to bed.

Book Review - Under a Texas Star, by Alison Bruce - and yes, it's safe for the kiddies!

I received this book in a free promotion advertised in the Facebook group, With Your Coffee. At that time there was a lot of pornography being pushed in that group, and I engaged in some jocular conversation with the author about hesitation to download it in case it turned out to be pornographic, like so many books these days that are plugged as being "romance". Ms Bruce said that she did not consider her work at all pornographic, but would be interested in feedback on this. She suggested that it would be a good idea if Amazon gave "romance" stories a 5 penis rating in addition to the 5 star rating, to enable readers to stay within their preferred porn parameters, and said she looked forward to discovering how many penises I would award to her book.

I was encouraged enough by this light-hearted approach to download the book (people who write real filth generally get all sniffy about Their Art when you ask them if it's porno) and I am delighted to announce that I can happily award this book no penises at all.

Aside from being a clean, decent read, the book was well worth downloading in any case. It's part detective mystery, part love story, part Western, and with the age-old and enduringly popular "girl disguised as a boy" trope. The characters are believable, the writing good, and Bruce's narrative has a lightness of touch that is all too sadly rare in romance novels, which so often seem to take themselves Very Very Seriously. I loved it, and will certainly look for more from this author.

New cover for Gift of Continence

This is the new cover, created by the talented Patti Roberts of Paradox Book Covers; check out her other work here.

Book Review - Spill, by Randy Attwood

This darkly satirical comedy, depicting a failed schoolmaster’s attempt to take on the American political system evokes memories of Our Man in Havana. Mr Attwood has the true comedian’s lightness of touch, and there is hardly a dull moment in it. Particularly fine were the descriptions of Our Hero’s experiences as a schoolmaster. The action moves well throughout the book, and although I found the ending a little abrupt, on reflection I don’t know that the more conventional, drawn-out epilogue chapter would have added anything worthwhile to it.

Comic fiction lives or dies by its characters, and this is a particular strength in Spill. Even minor characters are lovingly drawn; no cardboard cutouts here, they are all real and alive. A traditional third person narrative is used, with subtle shifts to its tone depending on the point of view. I have always felt that it is in his use of narrative that a writer shows his true quality, and Mr Attwood passes this acid test with flying colours.

There were a very few proofreading errors, but by and large the book’s presentation is excellent, providing a good, clean read.

All in all, the book is a joy to read, and will particularly appeal to anyone who has worked in the education system, or in politics.

Cover reveal - Grammar Without Tears

Today, I am proud and happy to present the cover design for Grammar Without Tears, which will shortly be released.

This wonderful cover was designed by the awesomely talented Patti Roberts of Paradox Book Cover Designs - check out her site HERE.

Coming soon - Grammar Without Tears

Some years ago, when I was working in an organisation that shall remain nameless, I was surrounded by illiterates. I started to publish a weekly bulletin on the company's intranet - the precursor to today's blogs, I now see. In order to get people actually to read my little educational articles, I framed them as tiny comic dialogues, each week between a different pair of well-known fictional or historical characters.

Happily, I have moved on from that very toxic employer, yet the problem remains. So many people with whom I come into contact cannot write a coherent sentence of English. Therefore, I feel there's a market for my little bulletins still, and I have pulled them together into a little book, Grammar Without Tears, which will soon be published on Amazon and Smashwords as an e-book, and hopefully, down the track, in hardcopy.

Now back when I was originally writing these dialogues, I used to get fan mail from all over the company, and people would send me requests about their favourite "pet peeves". I'm still open to this. You can email me through the email link on my website. Please feel free, if you have an issue of grammar, punctuation or inappropriate word choice that really irritates you when people do it, to let me know about it. I'll try to include your suggestion before I go to press, or if not, perhaps in a later edition.

READER'S REVIEW: TABITHA ORMISTON-SMITH NAILS SIMPLE GRAMMAR WITH HUMOR, CREATIVITY AND EASY-TO-UNDERSTAND LANGUAGE. A WITTY AND INSTRUCTIONAL READ THAT WILL ENTERTAIN THE READERS WHILE THEY LEARN! LMHansford