I was going to entitle today's blog post 'Getting Back Into Harness,' but that doesn't quite suit. I'm not someone else's obedient workhorse. It might have been better if I had been; the discipline of employment would have had me back at work long ago. But no; I am the captain of my fate, and lately, that ship has been steered into very dodgy waters, and has been becalmed for a long time, like the ship of the Ancient Mariner, and not very much more happily.
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| My beautiful Emily. Gone, but never, ever forgotten. |
It came about when Emily was ill. No, let's be honest here. She wasn't ill. She was dying. As soon as I got the diagnosis, I cut my working hours back to an hour a day. I thought that would keep the flow to things, while freeing me to spend all of my time with her.
That didn't last long. Within a couple of weeks I had abandoned work entirely, and I didn't even think about it until some weeks after her death. And that was just as it should be.
But that was more than eighteen months ago. Bereavement, however terrible, cannot be made an excuse for giving up on life. What an insult that would be to one who enriched my life with so much joy, and who took an active role in supporting my working life. So I knew I must get back to work.
At first, I thought I was just over-tired. It had been a gruelling five weeks (yes, that was all we had from the time we received the terrible diagnosis) and I was genuinely exhausted, both physically and emotionally. I thought I'd lie about and do not much of anything for a few weeks and then I'd be in a fit state to pull myself together and get on with the long, sad business of adjusting to normal life without her.
The trouble was, two months later I wasn't any less exhausted. And worse - I didn't care. I could not find the least spark of enthusiasm for doing anything at all. And it kept getting worse, not better. From having to go to bed directly after dinner, to needing to sleep in the afternoon. When I found I was starting to need a nap mid-morning, I knew I was in some kind of trouble. So, like a true child of the twenty-first century, I took my troubles to Dr Google.
That whas when I discovered Dr Rami Nader. He's a psychologist practising in Canada, and he does this marvellous vlog on youtube, all about depression and anxiety disorders. I learned so much from it, and not just mere academic knowledge, but a very present help in time of need. I discovered that I was suffering from anhedonia, which is a symptom of a major depressive disorder. Now, you may say that a Google diagnosis isn't worth jack, and of course you'd be right. But when everything matches, and when the recommended actions actually do help, I think it is safe to say you're onto something. Following the guidance I received from Nader's wonderful vlog, I gradually started to pick up the scattered threads of my old life. I started to take care of myself, I started to take care of the house again. I had a bit more energy as this all happened. You can find Dr Nader's youtube channel HERE. Honestly, I can't recommend it enough. He has helped me so much.
But I still didn't really start back to work. Oh, I tried. I went through the motions. But they were just motions. I worked on so many different things. I'd pick up one book, write 200 words, quit for the day, and the next day I wouldn't be able to bear to face that one, I'd try working on something else... basically, nothing at all was accomplished. In 2021 it's fair to say that I did nothing after Emily was diagnosed.
Of course, from October, I had an excuse. I had my new puppy to bring up. And he was the most challenging pup I have had to raise. Perhaps because I was alone in the house with no support, perhaps because of my reduced energy levels and the fact I was still grieving, perhaps because I was unable to puppy-proof this house adequately. Or maybe it's just Chips. Don't get me wrong, he's an absolute joy.
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| Not so little any more! |
In 2022, I was determined to pick up the threads. And I did. I picked up SO many threads. And dropped them again. Over and over. I tried working on all kinds of things and got basically nowhere with any of it, except for some formatting and proofreading which doesn't require great personal involvement. I published a few editions of things, but basically nothing new got written.
And now it's crunch time. Chips is almost grown up, and although his conduct isn't at the level I find completely satisfactory, we do get compliments about his behaviour everywhere we go, so he can't be an excuse any longer. It's time to get real.
I started by reviewing what I had that might be worked on. My workspace is in an appalling state. Here, a brief rundown:
1. One novel ready to go but still unpublished - I got the proofing and formatting done last year but the cover designs were beyond my skill level.
2. One new book started in 2021 and never finished
3. One new book started in 2022 and never finished
4. One new book started in 2020 (!) and not finished
5. Revised editions of a couple of hardcovers
Oh, and that's not even counting the things I haven't started but would like to do. Honestly, it's just a total mess.
My usual practice is to start a new book at the new year, but this year, I felt I had better forgo that indulgence. This year is going to be about finishing things. Therefore, my work plan for 2023, which I offer here by way of accountability. The list is in order of priority.
1. Get the Lending Rights claim sorted for Operation Badger. This was released in paperback for the first time last year, and I'm having trouble getting it registered, but it's worth persevering with, because the thought of being entitled to some Government Money that I don't get is just too painful to contemplate. This is a relatively minor administrative task.
2. Publish Barefoot Tango. I am just waiting on cover designs.
3. Publish Operation Checkout. This is the long-awaited fourth book in the Operation Tomcat series. It is probably 70 - 80% written.
4. Publish my dragon book. This is a fantasy novel. Publishing it will also involve coming up with a title for it. This one is probably around 50 - 60% written.
5. Publish the final revisions to Dance of Chaos and Gift of Continence hardcovers. This is just a horrible slog because of the enormous time it takes for Lulu to send a proof copy.
6. Publish my science fiction novel, for which I also do not yet even have a title. This one is really pie in the sky - there's no way I will get this out this year. It's only about twenty percent written and some of that may have to be discarded. It's a difficult and challenging project with a complex plot. But including it on the list ensures that I have enough work to take me through the entire year. I wanted to see my whole year's potential work in the plan.
So, that's the plan. And I'm working every day except for weekends, although still not for long hours. But things are moving forward and some discipline is being imposed again. So that's enough for a start. I WILL have results at the end of this year.
